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Monday, June 30, 2003 08:23 p.m.
No one should be this calm about exams. Especially when there's still an infinite stack of notes waiting to be digested. From a normal student's point of view, I should be a bundle of nerves right now, frantically using every second of my time to saturate my brain with any economics jargon thats available. But no, I choose to munch on honey stars, whilst thinking of activities to fill my long 4 day weekend. Thinking of it makes me happy. Oh well. At least these papers aren't counted for the promos. That's about one of the few good things about exams here at RJ. How I psyche myself to be this optimistic is beyond me.
Wednesday, June 25, 2003 11:59 p.m.
Just watched Joe Millionaire, the Paris special. Just watching Paris on television makes me all warm inside! I adore Paris, I really do. If only we had spent a week more in Paris during our vacation! Standing in the Effiel tower, overlooking the city, I remember wishing I had you with me. It was overwhelming, and I must have stood there for close to an hour, just wanting to take it all in. I must go back to Paris again, its a city I keep falling in love with. Now I have a greater motivation to keep learning French, even when there's dreadful grammar which gives me un mal a la tête! I once had a dream of studying or working in France for a few years.. but I doubt it would ever come true. But then again, qui sait, mon ami, qui sait.. Je rêverai mon Paris rêve.
Thursday, June 19, 2003 01:52 a.m.
I'm at home, and yes, I gave Milieu a miss tonight. Thankfully, there's still Cel's party next week. But back to the present, back to the less than desirable reality I'm forced to live in, I can't seem to get myself to study. It's just not in my blood to study during the holidays. I don't even study during the weekends. Yes, I'm ill-disciplined, I know that. Not only do I know that, I am painfully aware that I ought to do something about it. And yet, my mind cries out, "tomorrow", but that tomorrow never comes. But enough of that already, I'm getting quite sick just thinking of it.
So moving on, and unfortunately, not to anything pleasant. Last night left me tossing and turning in bed- the evils of the night caught me unaware and shook me violently in my mind. The nightmares come and thankfully, they go. And yet, in that dream, it was vivid, I heard your voice, I saw you face to face and I felt that distinct searing pain. It was this close to reality. And as most of my dreams are, I can't recall anything specific about it at all. The acrid moments of the dream evaporated the instant I opened my eyes. The morning sun rays killed its horrors, but left its formless essence to haunt me. It was a maudlin swirl of hopelessness and confusion. Like a bluebird that whispers your name in my ear, all I needed was a little assurance. It was but a bad dream, you said, and nothing in it was for real. And although I knew that dreams are so often far from reality, it was enough to calm me down and to piece back the fragments of my emotions.
Wednesday, June 18, 2003 04:07 a.m.
Watched Ghost for the second time. Cried again- I always do. Well. Am online now, surfing through MUA (for the unintiated, thats makeupalley). Been doing that for the past few hours. MUA and yahoo auctions. This is insane. I get retail therapy even when I'm out of shopping malls. Anyway, I want my MAC pro 4 palette! Shall transfer my Jane pans into it. Can't wait to get Bronze Goddess. Hmmm. This sure sounds like a monologue. I miss my daily dosages of New York, New York, complete with cosmopolitans and Jimmy Choo's. SATC, that is. I miss my daily dosages of Rory and Jess too. Why must my computer be all cranky at a time like this? Why? Ok, I should stop going on and on randomly. I don't even feel sleepy right now. Ugh.
Friday, June 13, 2003 03:09 p.m.
something's nudging me to go outside. the rain beckons me into its arms.. the flowers outside are like cherry blossoms, beautiful, subtle. i'll change into my cottons, slip on a pair of bedroom slippers and dance in the afternoon rain.
Friday, June 13, 2003 02:07 a.m.
Thy mercy, O LORD, is in the heavens; and thy faithfulness reacheth unto the clouds.
Thy righteousness is like the great mountains;thy judgments are a great deep:
O LORD, thou preservest man and beast. How excellent is thy lovingkindness, O God! Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of thy wings.
They shall be abundantly satisfied with the fatness of thy house; and thou shalt make them drink of the river of thy pleasures.
For with thee is the fountain of life: in thy light shall we see light.
O continue thy lovingkindness unto them that know thee; and thy righteousness to the upright in heart.
Let not the foot of pride come against me, and let not the hand of the wicked remove me. Psalm 36:5-11
So help me Lord.
Wednesday, June 11, 2003 11:53 a.m.
there's something about neuroticism which i miss.
when's its not about structure, but about free falling down an unknown, desperately grasping, desperately living, combusting in the glittering darkness. its about searching for something to search which titillates. about filling a void, not knowing where that void exists. there's a need for feeling raw in reality. a need which is only man-made, fabricated in dreams so full of vile concoctions.
dancing in the dark, downing glasses of superficiality, i felt as if the night would drown me in its effervescence. weakness is not an option, it is not a choice. and yet, magic and reality plays in my mind. like an evil contradiction, a war without words, it plays with my mind. i will not succumb to such skewered visions. two more glasses and maybe i'll forget. but i don't, i wake up the next morning with consciousness pounding in my head, reality throbbing like a beating heart.
Saturday, June 7, 2003 02:52 p.m.
Baby, it's been a wonderful week! ;) This week saw the end of the first semester. Of course, it also means that the common tests are drawing near, but that's another worry for another time. Yesterday, my civics tutor treated my class for a movie, namely, Bowling for Columbine. I admit I went into the cinema not expecting much (yes, despite knowing that Michael Moore had won an Academy award for it..). I guess I was expecting one of those draggy GP-ish documentaries. Anyhow, Bowling for Columbine is definitely a must-watch! Ditch Finding for Nemo and go catch this brilliant documentary! The entire documentary brought light to many issues I've never given much thought to. But perhaps more significantly, it made me see many issues with a very different perspective. Another notable point would be that Marilyn Manson actually made some sense (although I don't agree with all he said) in his interview. The What a Wonderful World section was very thought-provoking as well. SO YES, GO WATCH IT!
Moving on.. Daryl and I had dinner at Al Dente last night. We love the salami and pepperoni pizza. Adore it, love it! Had our Haagen Dazs dessert after that. Four scoops of ice-cream, just like that. (my poor wallet!) What a wonderful way to end of the semester! Only setback of the week is my lack of finances! Haha. Was talking to this really sweet and pretty Ettusais SA (sales assistant) today. She recommended me some of the products which she used and what can I say, resistance is futile! I'm now a proud member of the Ettusais club. Which I realized, doesn't serve much purpose. I'm not even entitled to any discounts! Ugh.
This entry is such a breather from all my previous serious sounding ones. Then again, I do realize that this entry is all about my indulgences. :) Movies, dining and shopping. :)
Thursday, June 5, 2003 12:06 am
We sat on a breakwater, watching the lights that flickered in the distance, the stars that shone brilliantly in the clear sky. It was cool and breezy tonight, almost chilly. No loud music, no colourful sights, just us, and the beach. And that in itself was perfect.
Yes, it has been a year already.. and yes, I've loved every moment of it. :) And no, I'm not usually this mushy, I just haven't had such a splendid evening for a long time.
Tuesday, May 27, 2003 11:29 p.m.
The coral pink glow of the evening sky warmed my heart, as I sat in a cab whilst on my way home today. Too often, thoughts play in my head, and I am unable to decipher the faults from the pulsating veins of truth. Unravelling such truths, is not sitting alone in the back seat of a taxi, listening to chinese opera on the radio. Unravelling such truths, is when my hand is in yours, my head on your shoulder. Familiarity, with all it's little demons shall not devour this world. The firmament, most remote of the celestial spheres, continues to be the orb of the fixed stars. Far from ideal, and yet it holds that very quintessence.
Monday, May 19, 2003 11:56 p.m.
Since we've chosen this path to tread, I suppose you could say that the journey has only just begun. We've scattered our dreams along the plains, along the ridges of rocky terrains. We've planted our hopes in meadows, buried them back into the earth. Back where they belong. This is our reality, this is how we choose to live it. We choose to spend our time in claustrophobia, scribbling our muses on the white-washed walls of a long forgotten dream. We surround ourselves with strangers, choosing to glance their way, hoping to find ourselves in the eyes of another. We feel our way through a labyrinth of foreign faces, nothing firm to grasp in our reach. Even Dreams conceal their visages, their intentions are well veiled, hidden behind a facade of glory. Even dreams choose their hide. I never did write these dreams, because if I did, would I lie to myself? Would I have chosen this path all the same?
What choices do we have, which of these, if any at all, are truly our own? Is choice picked from a large glass bowl, a random Lot in the hand of a higher being? Only I alone can discover the story of my life on Earth. Word by word, it is written, word by word, it is revealed. Sometimes I don't understand the thoughts that proceed in my mind, thus I can only try to explicate everything by letting these thoughts flow and form on its own. It doesn't clear the haze in my mind as much as I would have it to, but it does makes me feel slightly better.
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