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Wednesday, August 6, 2003 11:40p.m.
The week's not over yet, but I think I can safely say that it's definitely a good one! Okay, save for the fact that there's a Geog test tomorrow. En tout cas (I learnt that in French class today), I shall use my free breaks tomorrow to study. 1 hour should be enough, you think? At least enough for me to skim through the notes at least once. Anyway, yes, it's definitely a great week! Which reminds me, I need to account for my absence on Monday.. Hmm. Oh and for the rest of the week, school ended and will end before 1pm for me. C'est merveilleux! Plans for tomorrow include shopping with my classmates, followed by cooking a little something for dinner at home. A little self-indulgence first and afterwhich, indulgence for another. (You lucky you!) Oh! And I've finally cancelled out "Philips Geometricks styler" from my wishlist. (leaving behind a trail of other lemmings) Goodbye bone straight hair and hello to waves! (Hey, a pun!) Hmm, my cat is sitting on the window ledge now. Just thought that was interesting. Maybe not.
So, I just re-read what I wrote. I sound high. And I'm blaming the caffeine this time.
Tuesday, August 5, 2003 11:59 p.m.
Ultimately, self-loathing is a downward spiral into the cavern of narcissism. It forms the perfect circle, tying up the ends of pride and shame. I can't bring myself to accomplish anything for fear of disappointment. It all boils down to pride, doesn't it? But of course I could just be a spoilt 17 year old with skewered logic, indulging in my own bouts of hysterics.
I find that there are few outlets in my life for me to pour my passions into. At times, it really is difficult to be honest with yourself, especially when you've been clouded by the opinions of others for far too long. No one wants to be a pawn in someone else's game. But how far would you go to break free from your own captivity?
Tuesday, July 29, 2003 10:30 p.m.
School ended early today. At least for me. Well, that aside, it was an afternoon well spent. Had tea with my mum and her close friend, my very glam 'godma' (that was a seriously bad case of alliteration, but unintended I swear) at a quiet little cafe tucked away in Clarke Quay. 20 years down the road, and I would certainly like to see myself doing something similar- having tea with my besties whilst chatting about friends who have finally settled down or turned gay. And hopefully driving a gorgeous car too! Funny, I really can't wait to drive! (Okay, I guess "gorgeous" can be made optional for now.)
Shopped a little too, and finally bought the pair of heels I've been eyeing for ages. The first time I laid my eyes on that pair, I knew it was to belong to me eventually. (forgive me for the hyperbole, I just had to!) Which was why I didn't bother to get it the first time. Oh yeah, and a top from Oo Lala as well. Nice dresses there, by the way. Bright and floral, not quite my style, but rather appealing nonetheless. Black gets boring after a while, no? So yes, I enjoyed myself today. Despite the mess I made during lunch at school. I'm swearing off curry for a while now. Don't ask.
So I figured I have a love-hate relationship with this blog of mine. Just when I thought I would do better with a hiatus, I end up updating more than usual. I know, I know, I'm contradicting myself. Don't you think I would have known that about myself already? It's a love-hate relationship, really. That just about sums it all up for you. No adieus for now.
Sunday, July 27, 2003 12:54 p.m.
I used to rave about food and restaurants so often in my blog. (It's a wonder why I've stopped.) I guess that made me sound like a bit of a hedonist, but I've always enjoyed good food, and good company, no less. Anyway, in an attempt to curb my wandering mind from pondering the depressive, I shall talk about the wonderful Japanese dinner I had tonight.
I shall not, however, attempt a long winded, descriptive piece about the restaurant. That would only come across as a cheesy, ad-like pseudo review that you read in cheesy, ad-filled magazines. So yeah, just take my word for it, alright? Shimizu (located at Lock Road, just so you know) has by far, the best tasting and most unique Japanese cuisine I've ever tasted. Perhaps I've never tasted that many variations of Japanese cuisine to begin with, but nonetheless, the food impressed me. It was delicious- the bamboo shoots with cod fish roe, the kami nabe, spider maki and grilled cod fish were but a few that went really well with me. The food's not all that pricey too, but I guess it helped that we knew the chef. The 10% discount was definitely appreciated. And of course, I managed to spend time with my parents as well. I confess that this was much needed, seeing how nasty I've been to them for some time now. It almost seemed as if I had reverted back to the old days of rebellion and foul-mouthed sacarsm. (Which was a horrendous period in my life.) But tonight's dinner proved that we were capable of holding a civilised conversation, with a sprinkle of laughter and a dash of jokes at that. I guess those past few moments of flaring tempers were just uncontrolled bursts of inane, unjustifiable emotions.
On a different note- my resolution for the day would be to stop avoiding glances. When self-doubt strikes, escapism grabs my hand and pulls me away. And I end up running, chasing nothing, leaving behind much less and ultimately feeling emotionally exhausted.
Saturday, July 26, 2003 01:26 p.m.
This one's to you.
Variations on the Word "Sleep"
I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head
and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear
I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in
I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.
-- Margaret Atwood
Well, to quote Kundera, I've been feeling the unbearable lightness of being for the past few weeks. There are no heavy burdens to anchor my existence here. I've been afloat too long in this surrealistic dream.
Saturday, July 26, 2003 01:10 a.m.
spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
:(
Sunday, July 20, 2003 10:06 p.m.
I am my own enemy, torn between two starkly different worlds. To put it simply, I am constantly fighting against myself. I suffer in my own contradiction, and it hurts.
It is Sunday night once again, and thankfully the weekend has mellowed down from all its insanity and nauseasness. Perhaps you were right. All I desired so desperately was for some magic to sparkle in my life. I sought it in the most sinister of places, wishing that the glittering array of lights would lead me to a happier dream. But all that ever happens is far from magical. Engulfed in the arbitary darkness, moving through wisps of smoke and haze, all that touches me is an acute feeling of loneliness.
In any case, I am considering to stop updating this site. I am by nature a very private person (or am I not? I can't even decide who I am these days)- and I suppose this would give rise to the question- why am I even wasting my time feeding intimate pieces of my thoughts to strangers? It is childish of me to even think that I could truly express myself online without being under any scrutiny or judgement. Why would I want to be vulnerable to the world?
Thursday, July 10, 2003 06:05 p.m.
My whole world seems to be caving in. Each morning I wake up to a previous day, living like an apparition, lurking only in the deepest, darkest corners of dilapidation. I think I've lost it all.
How does one know if certain dreams and aspirations are worth holding on to? Some risks are too great, too dangerous for us to tamper with. Keating once said that we would only be free when we have dreams. (Perhaps he meant it in a cynical way, that we would never be free in this world, and that freedom only exists in dreams, in a fool's paradise that we ourselves have created.) The poets believed in their dreams and the romantics too (or are they one and the same?), but have they forgotten that in this world, it is reality not romanticism which triumphs? And so it is that the twins passed away, only because of a dream they once had. A dream which they had so fervently believed in that they entrusted their very lives in it. Didn't they see the risks involved? They did, I'm sure, but they held their faith all the same. Isn't that what we've been taught all these years? To hold the faith, to imagine the unimaginable, to dare to dream. And yet, and the end of the day, it still hurts. When reality slaps you in the face, it hurts. Perhaps we should all stop being dreamers and start living in the real world. And perhaps when I stop dreaming, I will finally be content. The colours of my eden are fast draining out.
~
Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.
And with that, with one last cry, the night will shine as day once again.
Monday, July 7, 2003 1:17 a.m.
(it threatened to rain the entire day.) the clouds trembled in the solemn, stark sky. the air was swollen with rue, its bittersweet langour rested on my tongue, leaving a hint of brine to trickle down my throat. i watched the waves flow and ebb like a silent symphony, mysteries and happiness afloat. the moist breeze twirled my hair and stung my eyes. i shut my eyes in response, (and finally it did, such release, such unsettling release) and tears began to trail down, i wonder why. all this, whilst nausea nestled against the tightness of my throat. like a crushed butterfly, aflutter in desperation, quietly singing its death.
i am a wretched soul.
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