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Tuesday, April 15, 2003 10:38 p.m.
This morning was fun! Watched him get out of bed looking like he just popped out of a Beatle's concert. Happy birthday darling!!
Adjusting to a new school isn't that easy afterall. I think I have yet to grasp the nuances of the culture here, which is, by the way, very different from that I was familiar with at AC. It's not easy. But you know what, I'm going to be damn positive about this. I've done it before, and I will do it again- I cannot fail myself like this.
"I decided to begin this school year with a positive outlook. I want it to last. I don't want to give up, don't want to repeat my mistakes. I don't want to be afraid and hide behind the mask of indifference. It's so much easier that way, and very tempting too. I just feel like I lack that strength, that determination to break free from my comfort zone. Okay, I need to start using more optimistic words." (i wrote this a few months back. this was the mindset I adopted when I entered AC..)
Must. Be. Optimistic. One of my greatest weaknesses is that once the feeling of failure or pessimism seeps into me, it would take a long, arduous uphill journey for me to recover. So yes, my magic mantra for the year would be.. I will be optimistic, because I'm left with no choice! Okay, I'll think of something a little more inspiring. Heh.
Sunday, April 13, 2003 11:10 p.m.
There goes another wonderful weekend! Just came back from a very satisfying meal at Brazil Churrascaria with Daryl and his family. The waiters just won't stop coming round your table to offer slicing more meat onto your plate! I haven't had anything 'meaty' for a long, long time.. so this was definitely delicious! Dinner was great, but so was the company.. they always make me laugh till my sides ache (also resulting from being so incredibly full!) Everything about tonight was wonderful. I've always enjoyed having dinner with his family.. but most of all, I love spending time with Daryl. :) Haha.. how mushy.
Didn't get any sleep in the afternoon today, although I did go shopping! I always laugh at Daryl whenever he gets excited over his PastaMania card, but today when I got my TopShop/Miss Selfridge privilege card, I was equally estatic! (Spending over $50 entitles students to the privilege card.) I managed to get two lovely black tops for about $60. Furthermore, I had a 30% off the items, so the usual price of the tops in total was a little above $90! What a spankin' good deal. Also bought a plain black lycra tee (wardrobe essentials, my dear) for $14! Yay. Today is the day of good deals. Message at church was really good for me too.. guess it was a timely wake up call. Can't believe it's Good Friday already.. one year has passed.
I'm backtracking a little. Saturday was splendid as well! We finally had YF! I missed YF quite a bit. Had fun using mustard seeds to form letters.. but we persevered! Fun! Okay, I feel like I'm going to start bouncing off the walls any second now! I don't know why.. but I really feel happy about today. Which is probably why I can't think and write in proper sentences right now, my thoughts are just gushing out, I can't seem to concentrate! Was actually feeling pretty down the past few days, but by the weekend things started to brighten up. With God and my loved ones always around me, life IS meaningful. I'm happy, and don't you dare be cynical about it!
Friday, April 11, 2003 12:50 p.m.
So there I was, under my covers, grousing like a peevish 10 year old (and that's just putting it nicely). Was playing a tirade in my head when I decided that a late night trip to the bookstore might be more therapeutic. Went down to Borders and having found instant company and temporary entertainment in books, I was happy but only for a while. Walking around and searching for that 'something, anything' made me sick again. I was still pricked with annoyance, until 'meeting up' was suggested. Absolutely unexpectedly, as they say. My appetite retured to me the moment we sat ourselves at Haagen-Dazs and ordered three heavenly scoops of ice-cream. By the time we were in the bus, my lethargy had mysteriously gave itself up to a different kind, a sweeter kind of langour. All chagrin melted in your arms those very moments, leaving me with an even more delightful after taste. It's strange how a night like this ended up as I had least expected. Strange, but wonderful all the same.
Tuesday, April 8, 2003 02:35 p.m.
"The world happens, unrolling into moments, and you stop to glance at a spider pressed to its web."
In just an hour at an obscure cafe, whilst you sip your earl grey tea and as I flip through magazines, barely taking in a word, it dawned upon me that I don't know you at all. Just like that.
"There is a quickness of light and a sense of things outlined precisely and streaks of running luster on the bay."
Suddenly, you uncover the cove of secrets I never thought you had, secrets that threaten to suffocate after having been buried for so many years.
"You know more surely who you are on a strong bright day after a storm when the smallest falling leaf is stabbed with self-awareness."
I might never be able to react like I should at moments like these. I'm staring at the novel in my lap, lifting up my pen, and deciding to scribble down a paragraph of emotion that I've just read, because perhaps it will fill the void that has become so apparent between us. We sit on a large couch, obviously too big for just the two of us, as you begin to unravel bits and pieces of the complexity you call life.
"The wind makes a sound in the pines and the world comes into being, irreversibly and the spider rides the wind-swayed web."
So many secrets to be uncovered. Secrets that threaten to change your life, but for now, they can only wait for the truth that will one day free them from their chains. Perhaps sometimes we hide the ugly sides of ourselves not because we want to be portrayed as someone perfect and untainted, but because the truth might hurt those you love. If your world and the people in it could live in that bubble of peace and love, would you still bear to destory everything with the truth?
Tuesday, April 8, 2003 12:35 a.m.
Reading through The Greatest Love Letters Of All Time. This is probably one of my favourites! I just had to post this, it's so beautiful! Note, however that it was a lesbian relationship between the two, namely, Radclyffe Hall and Evguenia Souline. Which is quite ironic for me, because although I truly can feel what the writer is trying to express (in fact, parts of the letter do reflect how I've been feeling lately), I'm definitely, positively straight. Yes, I like men, particularly one. Okay, so here goes.
November 26, 1934
Beloved... No letter from you today as yet - this is because there has been a Sunday - I am growing to dread the weekends... It seems so strange and so terribly wrong not to be able to talk to you, not to be able to discuss things together... Last night I had one of my fits of the glooms. When the weight of life lay heavy upon me, when everything seemed dust and ashes in my mouth, when I felt that I had not made good at all, that I never would make good being what I am - that the scales were too heavily weighted against me - I get like this sometimes and have done for years - it is the melancholy of the inverted. I tell you this because it is God's truth that you can lift me right out of such moods, that when I am lying in your arms and you in mine, such moods cannot touch me, that you can make me forget the great weariness of spirit, mind and body that I feel sometimes - I feel battle-weary, and you are my rest, my joy and my ultimate justification.
How's that for an effusive display of affection? To borrow the words of the author, "sometimes nothing speaks louder than a silent word written on a piece of paper. With the recent advent of instant messaging and e-mail, the art of epistolary romance has made something of a comeback, albeit in the rather sterile environment of cyberspace - no handmade paper or fine penmanship here, and certainly no possibilty of inhaling the fragrace of perfumed stationery! The act of writing, however, gives us a chance to reflect in private before exposing our heart." Couldn't agree more.
Saturday, April 5, 2003 05:16 p.m.
I don't want to rush, don't want to get up all harried. I tried to get some sleep, only to wake up teary eyed, lost in a labyrinth of dreams. The soft pitterpatter outside soothes me, carving it's sad song in the crevices of my heart.
Saturday, April 5, 2003 12:50 a.m.
Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues. (Neruda)
Sweet dreams, love.
Friday, April 4, 2003 10:58 a.m.
That wasn't quite right. The very fact that I did write something, however insignificant it was, goes to show that I write because I have to, and I want to, and I can't stop just because of certain inadequacies. Even if I'm unable to purge the right words, or have my sentences flow in a manner that pleases me, even if I'm the worst writer on this earth, I'll still write. I'll still write, because this is how I recapture certain feelings. Can words form and hold up a person's life? Sometimes it's almost as if words itself breathes life into me and I am not it's author anymore. I get this strange feeling that this is how I breathe, and ultimately this is how I want to live.
Friday, April 4, 2003 01:23 a.m.
I love this sonnet. Each line dances in my mind, tugs at my heart and sings to my soul.
Stars, you are unfortunate, I pity you,
Beautiful as you are, shining in your glory,
Who guide seafaring men through stress and peril
And have no recompense from gods or mortals,
Love you do not, nor do you know what love is.
Hours that are aeons urgently conducting
Your figures in a dance through the vast heaven,
What journey have you ended in this moment,
Since lingering in the arms of my beloved
I lost all memory of you and midnight.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
.. because my words alone can't fill this void. If I can't string my thoughts together, can't find the right words to fully explain myself, than I'd rather not write at all.
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