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Saturday, May 17, 2003 12:15 a.m.
It has been such a long week at school- I'm just glad the weekends are here. I've realized that I've never been so attentive at school in my entire life. When I was in secondary two, I could actually sleep in class for 1-2 hours straight. That was pretty horrid of me. Oh well. Managed to pull through today, despite coming to school still half asleep. It was an interesting week though. Sharon held a barbeque at her place on Wednesday. Was really nice catching up with my ex classmates. Miss Netty was there too- she's wonderful! Fortunately for me, I've been blessed with really nice civics tutors this year. For my 4 years in secondary school, I never did like any of my form teachers. Maybe that's why I'm really glad and appreciative of having such nice civics tutors this year. My CT this year is an Angus Ross prize winner as well as a jazz pianist. Last I heard, he sings as well! Haha.
So, I realized I side-tracked a little there. On Thursday, I attended my cousin's wedding ceremony and dinner. She was a wonderfully beautiful bride. She and her husband make a handsome couple. :) I've always loved attending weddings- always makes me think of how mine would be like. I'm silly like that. Hmm, and I had a really nice time out tonight as well. Speaking of which, I shall call Daryl now. Haha. Yay.
Thursday, May 15, 2003 12:36 a.m.
I pick myself up from the ground, distance myself from the chatter outside, I can't help but want to rest my eyes in your gaze. The music of yesteryears play, as we dance in my mind, twirling and falling into each other. Organizing dreams, categorizing apsirations, tossing the unrealistic into a chest of dusty memories. Such memories- standing before an audience, in the name of another, through the eyes of a stranger whom I've learnt to love and hate. All my actions are hers, and all hers are mine to call my own. My voice trembles in the still air, it travels slowly at first, but increases in speed till it finally slaps you in the face. Everyday I live my life as if I were someone else. And yet, the day draws near. The distinguishing lines are gradually blurred, now two existences have merged as one. I want to act again, I want to be that somebody. That somebody who always promises to bring out the side of me that would otherwise never exist.
Wednesday, May 7, 2003 06:43 p.m.
Important lesson I've learnt this week: Never doubt the slightest possibility. And don't be afraid. Just don't.
It's been very humid, so much so that I find myself constantly fidgeting in class. Specifically, math class. Fiddling with my skirt, twirling my mechanical pencil, watching my day-dreams burst into oblivion when Mr Ho glances my way. We read e.e cummings during literature class today. The delicate words of his poems still float in my mind. "you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens" and because it drizzles so lightly outside now, "nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands". It was so quietly, so tenderly beautiful. Okay, I can't type anymore. The frustration of sitting for tomorrow's econs test threatens to chase away all pleasant thoughts.
Wednesday, April 30, 2003 03:59 p.m.
Raindrops slide across my window pane, forming intricate patterns, tracing the outlines of ragged emotions. My visage is reflected in crystal tear drops, deformed in all the blank, dark spaces I call my own. I watch them fall from the top of a building, I follow the path of its gentle release. The sursurrus of the wind outside swirls into my room, filling the cavities of the concrete walls. It surrounds me, imprisons me, it lifts and carries me into its world, and I dance. I shall dance in the rain. Oh, but to let its water soothe the agitation of my heart, to seek solace in heaven's own waterfall.
~
The past explodes into a thousand different fragments. I sit here as I weave through the abyss of my heart, unable to account for the multitude of emotions that continue to plague me. I can no longer tell which of these tears are mine.
Sunday, April 27, 2003 09:52 p.m.
Shiping just shared this quote with me, "I thought I'll look back at the times we cried and laugh, but little did I know I'll look back at the times we laughed and cry."
And its so true. Well, emotional affairs aside, I've been in a very indulgent mood today. I keep fantasizing of holidays at beach resorts, sun tanning at the beach, shopping sprees, spas, chilling out with Daryl and my girl friends and just sleeping in till noon. Mostly frivolous, but absolutely necessary for the hedonist in me. ;) Of course, my lifestyle now totally doesn't permit all this. Guess the weekend saw the evaporation of all that determination and drive I thought I had.
Sunday, April 27, 2003 12:18 a.m.
Wash the gum from our eyes and dress ourselves for the dazzle of the light.
Long have you timidly waded holding a plank by the shore, now I will you to be a bold swimmer, to jump off into the midst of the sea, rise again, nod to me, SHOUT, and laughingly, dash with your hair.
- Walt Whitman
Saturday, April 26, 2003 12:40 a.m.
Today is such a fulfilling day. 12 long hours at school (that's not even for CCA!) and 4 more hours without proper rest, but it has been a good day for me nonetheless! I think I'm starting to get used to/like/enjoy school life here. I feel more assured that everything will fall into place eventually- I can only hope that it's soon. Very, very long day, but I'm so glad for it! Ended off the night with a slice of cheesecake, laugher and love. <3
Tuesday, April 22, 2003 11:43 p.m.
It's nights like these that leave me with enough smiles and sweet thoughts to get me through another week.
Monday, April 21, 2003 12:13 a.m.
This movie is a gift. Forces of Nature.
Ben: Quoting Bishop Jeremy Taylor, "Marriage hath in it less of beauty but more of safety, than the single life; it hath more care, but less danger, it is more merry, and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows, and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strengths of love and charity, and those burdens are delightful."
Ben: I just think life is more than a series of moments, you know, we can make choices and we can choose to protect the people we love and that's what makes us who we are, and those are the real miracles..
Ben: In the end all you can do is commit to the ones you love and hope for a little luck....and some good weather
Sarah: (on marriage tips) Never forget her birthday. Make a really really big deal out of it. After Sex hold her for a little while, you know, talk to her like a human being. Oh and do not wear socks to bed. No socks to bed cause you might not be all that attractive to begin with. Always, always side with her in an argument with your mother. Listen to her like you mean it. Supportiveness in a really really sexy turn on. Never hit. And no matter what annoying habits she has, realize that shes dealing with a huge mountain on imperfections every day so you might just want to let it go.
Ben: (aww Ben..) I fell in love with you the moment I saw you, and when I saw you up there on the balcony I fell in love with you all over again, none of the plane crashes, or the hurricanes, or the other people will ever change that, because when I'm on my death bed I'll know I married the only woman I ever really loved.
and of course...
Sarah: (on Ben's blurb) A scintillating tale of erotic mummification.
So I'm a sucker for romantic movies.. but this was perfect. I should have known the ending before it happened. I didn't.
Sunday, April 20, 2003 09:04 p.m.
Right now, I know that I should be content. I am, I think, it's just buried somewhere in me, beneath the whole myriad of emotions that surface every now and then to catch me by surprise. At the most unsuspecting of moments, when I awake blurry eyed, from a mid afternoon siesta, fresh from a nightmare which I can barely make head or tail of now, when I'm left in solitude with my thoughts, even when I might be in a crowd of people I can only call my aquaintances, sometimes I too experience pangs of loneliness. But I am not, I know I'm not. I have too much going for me, though not entirely perfect, but people and experiences that I know I am thankful for. And this I know is true, for that, I know I am content. The thing is, along with all the new experiences I've had to deal with in the last few months, I just find myself missing the crazy things I used to with all my girl friends whom I so seldom meet up with. It's just the smallest, most insignificant of things that I miss the most. The truth is, I never thought that all these things mattered this much to me. But now I've realized, surely, the fun we had as adolescent girls (bright eyed and bushy tailed, no less) has formed an important part of my life. And yet, the strangest thing is that I don't think I can claim to have had a very deep friendship with any of my girl friends. Maybe that's what I've been missing out all this time. I'm digressing, I'm into something I don't even comprehend.
After all that jibber, what I wanted to say is that I miss all of you. I miss how we used to crave for modanyaki during our lessons, how we would be the first to leave school every time the school bell rang and find ourselves quite the first to be in town. I miss the sleepovers at Pris', although I always lost when we played crazy 10. I miss dancing the night away on rooftops, with mini fireworks in our midst. I miss all our silly antics, our songs about the food we ate during recess, things that I know we're probably too embarrased to talk about now, but still fondly remember. I miss egghead, hippo and yes, even miffy! I miss all the little, crazy things we used to do, things I probably can't even remember now, but can only wish it would all come back again. And now everyone is tied up with everyone and everything else, and that, I am of no exception. I just wish that I could turn the hands of time, and wake up one morning in one of those pictures we took with us smiling, grinning like idiots if you may. That's all I ask, and even that, I know is too much to ask for.
Sunday, April 20, 2003 09:38 a.m.
morning rays shine through the veil of my eyes,
dissolving the dreams of the night before.
the air is still cold, filling my room with the perfume of rain.
the remnants of my dreams linger on,
floating around me as thoughts of you encircle me.
i sink deeper into my bed,
intertwined with my quilt
still dreaming the world away.
Saturday, April 19, 2003 11:40 p.m.
Last night I performed a miracle in the kitchen. I managed to whip up, (not just in my opinion alone, mind you) a rather delicious dinner! If you know me well enough, you will agree that it was an incredible feat for someone like me! The last time I tried to cook, and was anywhere close to cooking something decent (apart from cooking instant mee, or instant anything for that matter), was during home economics in secondary school. In fact, I still cringe when I recall the disaster that befell me during my practical exam. I made pasta (instant mixes are a gift to me), but due to a certain slipup of mine, I somehow tripped and fell while walking towards the examiner who was to grade my dish. Not a pleasant sight. Needless to say, my ravioli flew from my plate and landed on the floor. So yes, I think it is quite right to say that I have come a long way. It's surprising. I would have never considered myself anywhere near to domestication prior to this.
What's even stranger is that I think I might be enjoying it. The returns I got from cooking a hearty dinner was far more satisfying that I thought. Guess that old adage still holds true even at this present age. Go figure. Well, that aside, I'll be waking up at an unearthly hour of 5 am tomorrow morning. Nature must obey necessity.. sleep beckons. I can barely make out the mess in my head right now.
Friday, April 18, 2003 11:57 p.m.
Rock of ages, cleft for me, let me hide myself in thee;
Let the water and the blood, from why wounded side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure, save from wrath and make me pure.
For nothing good have I, whereby Thy grace to claim,
I'll wash my garments white, in the blood of Calv'ry's Lamb.
And when before the throne, I stand in Him complete,
"Jesus died my soul to save," my lips shall still repeat
Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe;
Sin has left a crimson tide, He washed it white as snow.
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