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Monday, October 6, 2003 01:42 a.m.
you could travel to faraway places, take on a different name in an exotic land, but you could never leave the captivity of your mind. along with your luggages of clothes and travel magazines, you begin to realize that the same nightmares that had haunted you at home continue to plague your sleep. on that feather-fluffed bed, in that hotel room, the one which overlooked the eiffel tower, you dream of the grandmother you've never met, the one who died of cancer, your mother's mother when she was a little girl. you think of them sitting at the back of a public bus, holding hands, exchanging stories, laughing, whispering as they watched the world outside, and you ask yourself why it was never the same for the both of you. you sip your earl grey tea whilst watching the sunrise, but you're thinking of the lover halfway across the globe, wondering if he's tossing in his bed this very moment, just wishing you could be wrapped in his arms; or the way your heart aches everytime the sun rises in all its glory, no matter which side it seems to rise up from. your heart desires the beauties of this world, to behold the majesty of the niagara falls, to ski down the snowy mountains of the kline matterhorn, to feel the snowflakes cold on your nose as you walk along the canals of amsterdam. you watch musicals after musicals in london, but your heart leaves in silence. i could travel around the world, but i could never really leave. wanderlust might fill my heart, but it will never warm it the way it should. and i wonder, is this a blessing or a curse?
Saturday, October 4, 2003 12:28 a.m.
the rain traces slow pathways of tears, whilst the wind encircles us, drawing us into its damp, melancholic beauty.
okay, that was pretty melodramatic of me. considering i just watched 28 days later. hm. i'm also way too exhausted and unmotivated to do any work.
Thursday, October 2, 2003 11:53 p.m.
is acceptance and conformity that much a neccessity?
Wednesday, October 1, 2003 08:50 a.m.
in my dreams, i lie asleep on the smooth-surfaced curvature of the moon. asleep in the arms of Morpheus, he kisses me. chilling and haunting, it lingers on my lips. in my dreams, the moon bewitches me and i can only suffer for more.
and right now, as i sit reticent, the breeze sends shivers down my back, stinging my eyes as tears fall in symphony with the music playing in my heart.
Sunday, September 28, 2003 11:49 p.m.
to be vulnerable.
only beauty and affliction is able to pierce the human heart with such intensity. numb to the beauty of this world, some of us choose to inflict pain on ourselves instead, hoping to revive that same acuteness of emotion. try as you might, it never comes. you think you're a little more alive, a little more liberated from your insanity, but at the end of the day, you're just dead to yourself.
apathy and cynicism is man's natural response to life when everything around him looks bleak. in order to shut out the pain, we harden our hearts. at the same time, we numb our hearts to the few good and true things in life- the few things that actually do matter in the long term and the eternity of things to come. can i experience life, can i say that i have passion if i choose to dwell in apathy? if my heart is numb to all that life can offer me, both triumphs and trials, then what exactly can i live for? i do not want to live for an abstract concept that can only dwell within the limits of my mind. and yet, why do i waver in my acknowledgement and understanding of who i am, and who i choose to be? do i make things difficult for myself or are things just difficult for someone such as i?
brighten my heart, lighten my soul, still my thoughts.
beauty encapsulated. zermatt still lives fresh in my mind.
Thursday, September 25, 2003 09:08 p.m.
one gust & we
will probable crumble
we're backdrifters.
this far but no further
i'm hanging off a branch
i'm teetering on the brink
oh honeysweet
so full of sleep.
Thursday, September 25, 2003 12:25 a.m.
cette vie est un cauchemar. eh bien alors, tant pis pour moi. je me sens tres fatigue, mais, qu'est-ce que je peut faire? je n'ai pas assez de sommeil!
my french sucks. i keep having des trous de memoire. haha. anyway. i'm just anticipating the post-promos. NYC NYC NYC, my sex and the city, here i come bebe!
i'm in desperate need for sleep. c'est une grande fatigue.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003 01:21 a.m.
Happy sweet seventeen to Amanda! :) Life at RJ has been so much more enjoyable with such wonderful classmates. Much more enjoyable than I had intially thought. Amanda and Tzemeng's birthdays were celebrated at Seoul Garden, where we ate (okay, where I ate) ourselves silly! At least I got my money's worth. :) I'm now terribly broke, having spent my money on food, gifts and pool. Goodbye BB gel liner. *tears* Speaking of which, I'm no longer a virgin at pool. Haha.
Today was much less eventful. It always is when I wake up past 12. Okay, got to make some phonecalls now. To mambo, or not to mambo.
Monday, September 8, 2003 12:51 a.m.
had dinner at the swiss club today. sat across un garçon français qui était très beau et ressemblé de Josh Harnett! it's true. was there attending bea's fencing club's 10th anniversary gala dinner. le garçon français won the gold in his event. félicitations, bébé! heh.
spent friday night at chinatown, by the way. it got me writing the little pseudo chinese piece below. after dim sum, we had egg tarts. it's nice holding hands and pretending to be one of the many old, contented looking couples walking along the alleys. it was a warm fuzzy feeling growing inside me. i'm very sleepy right now. i want my BB gel liner in sepia, black and purple ink. thank you very much.
Sunday, September 7, 2003 2:10 a.m.
take me back to old china, where we like lovers of an ancient chinese legend can relive the untainted charm of romance. writing our whispers on rice paper, we exchange them at dusk, our fingers brushing past one another's, the burning we feel can only remain silent within us for now. the streets are decorated with paper lanterns, each confining a soft glow of light. if we lived in the past, i could only wish to have your face reflected in the gleaming waterfronts, to feel your sigh in the lightness of the wind. the stars will look like a million jade pendants in the mid-heavens, hanging from a piece of silk, draped across the vastness of the sky. i could only wish that the world around us would rise as the mist in the biting wind, disappearing the moment we close our eyes in embrace.
Tuesday, September 2, 2003 04:54 p.m.
there's nothing so dull
as talking, talking about yourself
but what I meant to say
i'm sorry that I lost control
distracted by irrelevance
the stress and the tension
crawling through the keyhole
i'm in a lull
radiohead / lull
wonderful weather today. a downpour in the morning and faint drizzles throughout the afternoon. all locked up in my room, psyching myself to do some work. alright now.
Monday, September 1, 2003 11:46 p.m.
the weather was perfect for sun tanning today. only we decided that we didn't fancy getting all burnt. and thus, being such (pseudo!) narcissists slash photo whores slash exhibitionists, we went around taking photographs instead. all in all, it was a great afternoon spent at the beach. save for the fact that i was left all sandy and grime-y at the end of the day. oh, and that we saw something quite.. well, something quite unpleasant, shall we say. unpleasant because he looked much older than anyone at the beach and besides, he wore slippers to swim.
well. managed to watch secretary this evening. what was with the background music? hmm, the image of lee holloway staring straight at the camera at the closing shot keeps appearing in my mind. it's rather haunting. but i kind of like the ending nonetheless. some beautiful ideas encapsulated there. sometimes all we want is to be completely vulnerable to another.
i'm doing away with trying to be grammatically correct here. somehow, all the capital letters at the beginning of each sentence i typed previously annoys me to no end now. well, somehow, everything looks much tidier now. much smaller, much more intimate. just to let you know i'm not doing this (grammatically incorrect sentences) because i'm trying to emulate a lee holloway / mr. grey fetish here. pleasure comes quite simply for me.
Monday, September 1, 2003 12:15 a.m.
mum's birthday. had two really nice dinners during the weekend. i admit, its fun dressing up for dinners. anyhow, let me do some reviews! first of all, szechuan kitchen at swissotel. this was delish! i seldom take any liking to chinese restaurant food (restaurant, because i like chinese hawker center types) but this was really yummy! i attempted to describe some of the dishes, but after realizing that i'm quite lousy at that, i deleted that whole chunk. i can't pinpoint what exactly i ate (each ingredient and everything), but it sure tasted damn good! this evening, we had dinner at mezzanine at hyatt. i've always loved dining here, so i guess it was no big surprise that i enjoyed myself tremendously. more so this time because i had a lychee martini. haha. cheesy rhyme again. one of the highlights was the fried soft shell crab. delicious stuff there. had foie gras again and i still don't understand why people love it so much. it's not exceptionally tasty to me anyway. perhaps its an acquired taste. that's what they all say. acquired taste. i actually dislike that phrase. sounds phony to me. but i use it all the same. ooh, and there was sashimi with black truffles. apparently, truffles are underground mushrooms. so i guess that made it a rather interesting dish.
i can't write food reviews for nuts. but ah well, i'm just ranting today. been quite a while since i last ranted. went shopping today too. the ettusais salesgirl recognized me. so far, she has seen me with boon seer, daryl and my mum. in a span of 5 days. but i quite like ettusais anyway. managed to finish my member's card and at the same time, obtained 3 GWPs. so boon, if you want the purple steel make up case, i've got it! :)
okay, i don't want to type anymore. i don't even know why i'm typing all this. sometimes i think its really pathetic to have to blog, when i can actually talk to someone. that's why blogs can be so phony and superficial. well, whatever. i'm too tired to think through all that. fortunately, it's a school holiday tomorrow. we're going to the beach. but i don't really want a tan right now. okay, good night. i hate having all these monologues. like i said, it's pathetic. its like a terrible nightmare- where you think you're having a conversation with someone, but on closer look, that 'someone' is yourself and soon enough, your mind implodes and fragments of you whirr past and settle on the ground. sweet dreams.
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